Small Steps - GoldxSilver

I started to fall for Silver about five or six years ago. I was eleven years old and didn't really understand it. I just knew I wanted to be with him, which made little sense to everyone else, least of all Silver himself. He was moody and rude and wasn't above giving me a whack whenever I got on his nerves, which was often. I would follow him everywhere, like his shadow. I slept when he slept, I ate when he ate, when he was sad I'd be there to try to cheer him up, and when one of those rare smiles took over his face, I smiled too, a huge, toothy grin.

I think at first I just wanted to help him. After I defeated him on Mount Moon, I saw a small glimmer of hope in his words. It was the first time he accepted his loss. He swore he'd get better so he could beat me. I had grinned from ear-to-ear, gave him a thumbs-up and said I'd look forward to it.

"Freak," he muttered, and marched away.

After that I didn't see him for a long time and though I was happy he was improving himself, I was kind of sad, too. I missed his biting sarcasm and the way he tried and failed to hide his surprise and disappointment every time he lost. The next time I saw him was by chance, in the Dragon's Den. I threw my arms around him when I saw him. He shoved me away so hard that I stumbled and fell on my bottom.

"Stay away from me," he snapped, glaring at me. And just like that the empty space that I had been feeling inside of me was filled. Despite it all, there was something about Silver that drew me to him. I didn't stay away from him. I tried to, I really did, but I couldn't. I needed him, as an enemy and as a friend. I declared myself his partner and started travelling around with him. He had grudgingly accepted my enthusiasm over time, and even admitted that he could at least use me to make his party stronger.

"Yeah right, Silver," I teased. "Like you could ever beat me!" He gave me a clip round the ear.

After a year of travelling around together, I began to wonder. I worried that my feelings for Silver weren't normal. He was just my friend at that point, and that was all I thought of him as. But at the same time, I couldn't feel the same way about him as I did my other friends, like Crystal or Blue. What I felt for Silver was something I have never experienced before and I didn't understand it at all.

I remember a winter evening where the air was so sharp it could cut you and the sky was clear and cold. That was the first time I thought Silver was beautiful. We had taken refuge in the entrance of a cave as a blizzard whipped up outside. We sat chatting for a while, but then it began to get dark and Silver went very quiet. I pulled out my torch, turned it on and placed it on top of a rock, providing us with some light in the dingy cave. Then I fumbled through my rucksack for my flask. I had brought some tomato soup from home that we would be grateful for in the stiffening cold.

"Silver," I whispered, shining the torch in his face. "D'you want some soup?"

He was fast asleep, lying on his side, curled up into a tight ball like a little hedgehog, completely still except for the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. His breath turned white in the freezing air. His auburn hair had fallen over his face. With trembling fingers I had reached out and brushed it away. His face- he looked so peaceful. The angry lines that usually wrinkled his forehead were smoothed out, and there was no smirk on his thin lips. His cheeks and nose were bright red with cold.

"Hey," I whispered. "You shouldn't go to sleep in this weather, it's dangerous. You're the one who's always telling me that. C'mon, wake up." I shook him gently by his shoulder. He squirmed in his sleep and stuck his thumb in his mouth. I resisted the urge to laugh. My fingers brushed his cheek. I couldn't help thinking that for the first time since I'd met him, he looked his age. The way he was always going on, you'd think he was a grouchy old timer trapped in the body of a thirteen-year-old.

I took off my coat and wrapped it around him. Then I pulled his head onto my lap so he could use me as a pillow. I sighed. It didn't look like I was going to get any sleep that night. But looking at Silver, I didn't care.

Silver had been livid when he woke up in the morning. I suppose he was just embarrassed. Who wouldn't be if they woke up hugging their rival's waist and sucking their thumb like a little kid? His face turned an impossibly bright red and he started punching and slapping me, shouting obscenities. I felt so fulfilled in that moment. I wanted to grab him and hold him close, but I valued life and knew that if I did that I'd be in for a one-way ticket to a mortuary.

From then on, I began to notice things that I hadn't before. Silver had so many adorable little habits that he either tried to hide or wasn't even aware of. He couldn't take a compliment, no matter how small. He would throw any nice remark back in the giver's face- and blush like his face was on fire. He was deathly afraid of moths and other small, fluttery insects. He pretended not to care what people thought, but actually took even the slightest comments to heart. I remember once some stupid kids had shouted at him in the street, calling him 'ginger snap' and hooting 'flame on!'. He strode past without a word, directing a frosty look of contempt their way. But later on I saw him looking at the packets of hair dye at the mart.

I fluffed up his hair and wrapped my arms around his neck, swinging from his shoulders. "Your hair's fine how it is," I told him. "Don't listen to those idiots."

"I-I wasn't looking at them for me," he stuttered angrily, brushing his hair back down. "Y-You just look so stupid with that emo hair that I thought you should change it!"

I nuzzled my face into his back, between his shoulder blades. "Whatever."

Silver and I had always been roughly the same size, but as we got older he shot up like a beanstalk, outgrowing his clothes faster than he could buy them. I thought I'd catch him up eventually, but I didn't seem to get much taller. I grew out instead of up. I once asked Silver if he thought I was fat.

"Yeah, you're huge, fat-ass," he said sarcastically. Then he sighed and leaned his shoulder on my head. "Stop being such a girl."

I pouted. I didn't think it was girly to feel a little self-conscious when your belly was spilling over the top of jeans that had fit you just a week before, especially when your best friend was as skinny as a rake. After examining myself in the mirror, I suppose it wasn't so bad. I wasn't fat, I was just a little chubby. And Silver didn't mind, so that meant it was okay, right? I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands. I really was acting like some clingy girlfriend worried that her man didn't find her attractive any more.

Despite the changes, I still thought Silver was cute. I didn't understand how other people couldn't see it. True the wrinkles in his brow had long since become permanent, he had dark circles around his eyes from lack of sleep, and he had spots around his hairline because his long hair got greasy so quickly, but that didn't make him any less adorable. He would still flip out at physical touch and blush at any praise directed his way. It was when he got like that that I wanted to kiss him. I understood by this time that I had probably fallen in love with Silver, and as things always were with me, I wasn't going to stress myself out needlessly over it. I would worry for a while, and then accept it.

The first time I ever kissed Silver was five months ago on New Year's Eve, when I was fifteen and he was sixteen. We sat atop Mount Moon and made the countdown together, our eyes glued to his digital watch. I'd had a late night the previous day, so I was knackered. I took risk and let myself slump against Silver as the new year rolled in, leaning my head on his shoulder. He didn't push me away like I'd expected him to. We sat like that for a long time. Slowly I raised my hand and touched his hair, winding a red lock around my finger. I heard his breathing hitch just for a second, but he didn't protest. He let me play with his hair for a while, before sighing deeply and leaning back on his hands.

"We'd better get back," he whispered.

"Yeah," I replied quietly.

We got up and brushed ourselves down. Silver cleared his throat more than a few times. He wouldn't look at me. We walked down the mountain in silence. I couldn't decided whether it was an awkward silence or one of those silences in which nothing needed to be said.

We signed in at the helpdesk in Pewter City's pokemon centre and went upstairs to our shared room. Silver took the keys out of his pocket and struggled to unlock the stiff door. He yanked too hard and ended up cutting his finger. He swore and waved his hand up and down.

Instinctively I reached out and took his injured hand in mine. A thin line of blood shone against Silver's translucent-white skin. I could see all his veins, like blue string, winding down his skinny wrist. I raised his hand to my lips and kissed his cut finger. He jumped, gasped. I looked up at him. He was staring down at the hand that held his, his eyes wide and flickering. His cheeks had turned crimson, and he was opening and closing his mouth as if he was trying to say something but couldn't find the words.

I took advantage of his shocked silence and decided to push my luck. I stepped closer to him, my hand still holding his, lifted my head and kissed him on the lips. For a moment my mind blanked and I was in heaven. I had finally kissed those thin, chapped lips, and God, it felt good. I was plummeted back to earth, however, as Silver's shaking hands grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me away.

I raised onto my tiptoes to kiss him again. He jerked his head away and took a step back.

"Wh-What are you-" He didn't get a chance to finish as I grabbed one failing wrist in my left and and his chin in my right. I forced his head back to face me and crushed my lips against his, thrusting my tongue into his mouth.

Silver bit down hard. I drew back immediately, cradling my bleeding mouth. And before I could say 'sorry', Silver had drawn back his fist and brought it whistling down into the side of my face. The force of his punch had me on the floor. As I crouched there, clutching my throbbing cheek, I heard a door slam and a key turn in the lock.

Silver wouldn't let me in no matter how many times I knocked. I ended up spending the night in the corridor.

The next day I woke up early, aching all over from sleeping on the floor. My cheek and tongue had swollen so much that I could barely talk to thank the nurse for her hospitality as I left. Silver had all our money, but it was okay. Mom saved half the money I earned.

I hadn't realised how lonely walking by myself really was before. I kept looking to the side and expecting Silver to be there with a snide remark at the ready. It wasn't so much the fact that Silver wasn't there that bothered me. It was the fact that he never would be again. And it was all my fault. I was the one person in the world Silver trusted, and I had broken that trust when I had kissed him. I knew I was running away. I was a coward and I was afraid of what Silver would say when he saw me. I was afraid of his rejection. I loved him. I didn't want to hear him say he didn't love me back.

It was nearly five months before I saw him again, during which time I missed his seventeenth birthday. I remember his last birthday. He had instructed with an icy stare not to buy him anything, so I got Mom to show me how to sew and I had made him a tiny felt keyring. It was meant to be an Alakazam, but I messed it up and used the wrong colours, so I said it was an alien instead. To be honest, I expected him to roll his eyes and call me an idiot, but he didn't. In fact, it was the first time he had ever said 'thank you' to anyone.

I wanted to cry when I saw the circle on my calendar that showed his birth date. I had doodled a picture of his face on it. I had managed to get on with my life after what had happened- I told myself there was no reason for me to be feeling like a girl who's boyfriend had told her he didn't love her any more- but on that day, the seventeenth of April, I found it hard to even get out of bed in the morning. Those special dates- birthdays, Christmas- were the only times in the whole year that Silver would show me that he really did care.

I didn't want to do anything for my sixteenth birthday in June. Silver would always leave my present at the foot of my bed for when I woke up so that he didn't have to give it to me face-to-face. He would never be around when I opened it, and when I thanked him he would get all huffy and deny getting me anything at all. It just wouldn't be the same without him. I tried to make an effort for my Mom and neighbours, smiling and laughing along, but there was an emptiness inside me that they couldn't fill.

That night I sat in my bedroom, lying on the bed as I tried to read the book Crystal had bought me. It was pretty good actually. I wasn't a big reader, but as far as novels went, it was okay. I yawned. What time was it? I looked at the clock. Six-thirty. Absent-mindedly I glanced out of the window. I saw a black uniform, and flash of red. I sat up properly and pinned myself to the glass.

It was Silver. Stood, staring up at my house. He looked more tired than I'd remembered. He stood there for a long time, almost an hour. And all that time I watched him from behind the curtain. Part of me wanted him to barge right in and beat some sense into me. The other part wanted him to turn and walk away.

In the end, he walked away.

It took me about five minutes to come to my senses and rush downstairs and fling the door wide open.

"Silver!" I shouted. "Silver, come back!"

But of course he didn't come back. He was already gone. My eyes began to prickle with tears. I'd ruined my chances, again. I sniffed and was about to go back inside, when something caught my eye. On my doorstep was a small paper package and a white envelope, both addressed to me. I knew I should have gotten rid of them right away, but I couldn't bring myself to put them in the bin, not when they bore Silver's bold, looping handwriting.

I took them up to my room. I opened the envelope first. It was a simple white card with the words 'Happy Birthday' written across the top in golden cursive. I opened it, recognising Silver's handwriting right away.

Dear Gold- the 'dear' had been scribbled out and replaced with To.

Happy Birthday and stuff.

Now stop acting like a moron and pull yourself together.

Place is on the back.

Silver.

Place is on the back? What did that mean? I turned the birthday card over in my hands- nothing. Just a blank card and a barcode. I dropped the card down on the bed in front of me and opened the package. My eyes widened. It was the latest model of pokedex, the one that registered even pokemon from Sinnoh. I shook my head. And Silver called me and idiot. Who did he think he was, spending so much money on me?

I turned the beautiful red device over in my hands. On the back was an engraving showing the copyright, company, and place it was made. Devon Corporation, Rustboro City. I looked back at the card. Place is on the back. I shook my head. Was he seriously suggesting I fly all the way to Hoenn? Hell no, I wasn't going to do that. Hoenn was hundreds of miles away. I'd get lost if I tried to ride there of Fearow, and a plane there would cost me... How much would it cost me?! I didn't know for sure that was what Silver's card meant. And even if it did mean Rustboro, then how could I be sure Silver would be there? No way. I definitely wasn't going. I'd find Silver some other way.

Ten hours later I was boarding the last-minute flight to Hoenn.

I arrived at Devon Corp just as it was closing for the day, jet-lagged, bedraggled and in serious need of a shower. Silver was nowhere to be seen. I dragged myself over to the desk. "Excuse me," I said. "Have you seen a ginger-haired guy around here? About six-foot-four, really skinny, probably wearing black?"

The woman at the desk frowned and rubbed her chin. "Yeah, I've seen him, I think," she said. "He's been walking in and out of here every half-hour today! The manager asked him to leave but he kept coming back. We had to threaten to call police in the end, and- hey!" she swivelled in her chair suddenly so that she faced the entrance. "What did we tell you! Get out, or I'll call security!"

I turned abruptly. Silver was stood in the entrance, the revolving doors still swinging behind him. I stared at him for what felt like forever. The help-desk woman's threats faded and sounded distant in my ears. I walked over to him.

"Hi," I said quietly.

He nodded. "Hi."

I glanced back towards the raging woman and smiled sheepishly. "Maybe we should leave, before you get arrested."

He nodded again. We sat on a bench outside. The gap between us was obvious.

"So," Silver piped up awkwardly. "You came then. I-I mean you flew over- I mean!" He took a deep breath and buried his face in his hands. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah," I agreed, forcing my nervous laughter back down. There was a long, awkward pause. "I'm sorry," I said. "For kissing you, I mean." Silver jerked as if I'd slapped him.

"Idiot! Don't say that so loud!" he snapped, looking around, twitching like a nervous rabbit. I bit my lip. How much trouble must I have caused him over the last five months? He was probably worrying that I'd tell everybody about what happened. "B-Besides..." Silver went on. "It's not as if I was really angry at you... Y'know, it was just a kiss, you didn't have to..."

"No, it wasn't just a kiss!" I blurted suddenly. Then I clamped a hand over my mouth and looked around as Silver ha done. Thankfully we weren't attracting much attention. I lowered my voice to a whisper. "I did it because I like you." I couldn't help smiling. I'd finally said it. It wasn't like it would make things any worse than they were anyway. "I like you, Silver. A-A lot. You... do know what sort of like I'm talking about here right?"

"Yeah," Silver muttered. "I get it. You don't have to keep saying it."

"So... What are you going to do about it?"

"What do you mean, 'what am I going to do'?" Silver demanded. "You're not some chick who I got pregnant! What, you want me to 'take responsibility', is that it?"

"That wasn't what I meant!" I said, beginning to smile. "C'mon, you were the one who called me here. Don't you have anything to say?"

To my surprise, Silver's face instantly flamed red to match his hair. "N-No! Don't flatter yourself, fat-ass, all I wanted was to pull you out of this emo hole you've dug yourself into!"

"Just admit that you missed me!"

"No, I won't admit that, because I didn't!" Silver was getting redder by the second. I took a risk and slung my arm around his shoulders. It was a carefully friendly gesture, but it made Silver gasp and pull his hair down to hide his face. I bit down so hard on my lip it started to bleed. Damn it! The first time I had spoken to him in five months and he was being cuter than ever!

"I just," -I sighed- "I just wanted you to know how I feel. I know you don't love me back, but I still... I still want us to be friends." Silver didn't look up. I gave him a nudge. "This is the part where you stop me and say that you do love me after all," I teased.

"Like hell!" Silver yelled, throwing me off him. Pedestrians on the street hurried past us, trying not to stare. "Even if I did, which I don't, you think I would say it? You stupid, fat moron!"

"Nasty, skinny bastard," I shot back, pulling a face at him. Then I grinned. "Lighten up, Sil."

"I'm not the one who hid in my room for half a year," he snapped, and I looked away. "I felt... I-I mean, don't hate you, okay?" I was about to make a sarcastic comment, but he corrected himself before I could do so. "What I'm trying to say is... there's not many people I'm willing to tolerate, but... You're definitely one of them. Which makes no sense, because you have to be the most annoying person I've ever met in my life."

"Thanks," I said sincerely. "So is it okay for me to assume we're friends again?"

"Hell no!" Silver spat the words out so vehemently that I leapt back. "You can't kiss someone and tell them you love them and then say 'we can just be friends'! I've been feeing totally weird for the past five months because of you! You can't just expect me to forget it all; you have to... to..."

"'Take responsibility'?" I provided, raising my eyebrows. Silver snapped his head down, not saying a word. "I-I'm not sure how too do that. Except..." I put my hand on top of his. He snatched his hand away and glared at me. I raised my hands defensively. "Sorry! Sorry! Too fast, huh?"

"Ya think?" Silver mumbled, leaning his head on the palms of his hands, his elbows pressed into his thighs. "You're trying to try me into a homo."

I laughed. "Maaaybe," I said teasingly. Then I shook my head. "I'm not going to try to force you into anything, Silver, but since you haven't told me how you really feel, how am I supposed to know how far I can go?"

"I told you I didn't hate you!"

"That not an answer!" I scowled and shuffled further to him. "Let me put it another way then- can I kiss you?"

Silver's face blanked. Then embarrassed rage took over. "N-No, you can't! We're in public!" he hissed.

"Then let's go somewhere else," I said immediately. I was only joking around, but Silver ducked his head so low into that he looked like a tortoise, blushed furiously, and whispered:

"Okay."

I felt my face get warm, sure I had misheard. "Wh-What?"

"You said we could go somewhere private, so let's go!" Silver said accusingly, leaping to his feet. "This just so I can understand things, got it? Unless you're taking it back now! Are you?! 'Cause if you are, fine!"

"No, no!" I said quickly, waving my hands in front of my face, flustered. I got up, too. "Let's get a room at the pokemon centre, okay?"

Silver choked on his own saliva. "You... You'd better not try anything, all right?" he said threateningly.

"Of course, Sil," I said. I slid my hand into his as we walked up the street. He pulled away immediately. I smiled encouragingly at him. "You can trust me." Silver didn't reply, but slowly his pinky finger hooked inconspicuously around mine.

It wasn't much. Just a small touch, barely there at all. But it was the first step, and that little touch would hopefully be the first of many. I first started to Silver about five or six years ago. There was no way I was going to let him go now.

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